Bilingual parenting can be both a joyful and complex journey. Every family is different – different languages, different dynamics, different goals. I’ve raised bilingual children, and helped a grandson on his own bilingual path. Along the way, I’ve seen what works, what’s challenging, and how priorities shift as children grow.
Here are some of the most important things I’ve learned.
One Parent, One Language: A Helpful Approach (Sometimes)
The “one parent, one language” (OPOL) approach worked very well for us. I spoke German with our children, my husband spoke English. From an early age, our children knew instinctively who to speak which language with.
But it didn’t start that way. When my first child was born, I had only recently completed my postgraduate studies in England and was just beginning to feel confident in English. In hospital, I found myself naturally talking to my newborn in English – until a French mother in the same room gave me some wise advice. She told me firmly: You must speak to your baby in your own language. If you don’t start now, you never will. She was absolutely right. It may seem unimportant at the start – after all, babies don’t understand yet – but the way you begin communicating is often the way you continue. That conversation stayed with me, and from then on I made a conscious decision to speak German with my daughter.
This method works smoothly if both parents understand at least some of the other’s language. If not, one parent can end up feeling excluded – even if the conversation is something trivial like “Shall we go to the park or to the river to feed the ducks?” It can be frustrating when you’re left out, even unintentionally.
As children grow, OPOL becomes harder to maintain. When our children started school, much of the home conversation – especially around reading and homework – shifted to English. I was the one helping with schoolwork, and so more and more English crept in, even though German was still our “home” language.
Language at Home, Language Outside
Some families prefer the “home language vs. outside language” strategy – using the parents’ native language at home and the community language outside. This can be very effective, but it also comes with challenges.
For example, a child raised with only the home language may be slower to pick up the local language, especially if they’re not regularly exposed to it through playgroups or nursery school. But that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Children who learn accurate English from trained staff often end up with better language skills than those whose parents speak limited English at home.
I’ve known many children whose parents used their native language at home, and those children ended up speaking beautiful, fluent English – because they learned it naturally through school and social settings.
Why the Native Language Matters
Keeping the family’s native language alive at home has many benefits. For me, it was essential: my parents didn’t speak English, and I didn’t want them to miss out on having real conversations with their grandchildren.
When my children were small, we didn’t visit Austria often – flights were expensive, and my parents’ flat was too small to accommodate a family of four. But I brought my childhood books with me when I married and used those to keep the language alive. Later, when I travelled to Vienna regularly to care for my elderly parents, I brought back new German books and DVDs for my grandchildren. They absolutely loved them.
I also found that writing thank you cards in German was a lovely way to introduce my children to written language, as well as spoken.
A Grandparent’s Role: Speaking German with My Grandchildren
When my grandchildren were small, I looked after them one day a week and always spoke German. They understood, but never replied in German – they always answered in English. I remember a sweet but sad moment in spring when I had been telling my grandson about the beautiful pink blossoms in Greenwich Park – rosa Blüten. He was fascinated and kept saying it. But when he said it to his dad (who doesn’t speak German), his dad had no idea what he meant. My grandson was frustrated and unhappy.
This is one of the key tensions in bilingual households: children might understand one language but not feel comfortable using it. The desire to fit in, especially as they grow older, often wins out.
Language, Vocabulary, and Real-Life Challenges
One thing I noticed over time was how limited my children’s German vocabulary became. They could speak German well, but their range was narrower than in English. Visits to Austria always helped expand their vocabulary – but also revealed the gaps.
Sometimes, it was a matter of different words for the same thing. Like many languages, German has multiple words for everyday objects. For example, I always said Hausschuhe for slippers, but my mother used Patscherl, a more regional or babyish term – and my children didn’t understand. Similarly, while I used standard words, they didn’t always catch on to the variety of expressions and informal terms used by others.
There were cultural lessons too. Before visiting Austria, my children had a ‘crash course’ in etiquette – how to greet people in shops, how to shake hands, and when to say Mahlzeit or Guten Appetit before meals. In England, many of these customs weren’t relevant, but I wanted them to be regarded as polite children when visiting family in Austria.
They never quite mastered the formal “Sie” form of address in German because they mostly spoke with relatives. By contrast, one of my pupils – whose mother is Japanese – had to learn an entire system of respect-based language for different ages and ranks. It reminded me how culture and language are always intertwined.
Language Shifts and Growing Up
As my children got older, the balance shifted. English became the language of school, friends, and eventually most of home life. German faded into the background, despite my efforts. I see this with some of my pupils too – especially one girl who used to chat happily in Spanish with her mum, but became increasingly self-conscious about speaking it in public as she got older.
Maintaining a second language requires effort, and ideally, support from the wider family and community. It helps if children spend time in the country where the language is spoken. One family I know makes regular trips to Bolivia, even if it means missing a few days of school for cheaper flights. That kind of cultural immersion makes a huge difference.
Books and Stories: A Bridge Between Languages
I always tell parents to share books with their children – even if the books are in English and they want to raise their children with another language. Just borrow picture books from the library and talk about them in your own language. As children get older, you can retell or translate the stories. The important thing is the bond, the interaction, and the vocabulary.
Even if parents aren’t fluent in English, they can preview the story and find ways to share it meaningfully. Language learning starts with connection, not perfection.
Final Thoughts
Raising bilingual children isn’t easy. It requires thought, consistency, and a little bit of creative problem-solving. But it’s so worth it – not just for the practical benefits, but for the deeper sense of identity, connection, and culture it brings.
And remember: bilingualism doesn’t have to look perfect. Children may understand but not speak; they may mix languages; they may resist at times. But every word, every story, every visit to the grandparents helps lay a foundation that lasts a lifetime.