Teach Them Before They Stare: Talking to Children About Visible Differences
Sometimes, we don’t realise how important a conversation is until it’s too late. We assume our children will know how to behave when they meet someone who looks or sounds different. But unless we talk about it — unless we teach them — they may respond with stares, whispers, or questions that hurt more than they understand.
A powerful story shared by Stacey Jackson Gagnon about her son, Joel, reminded me just how deeply these moments can affect a child. Joel lives with a craniofacial condition — a medical difference that affects the shape and structure of his face, including having only one ear — and one Sunday, simply walking into a new children’s group brought a roomful of stares and silence. He fled to the back of the room, trying to hide, even though we all know — you can’t really hide in plain sight.
This post is not just for the parents of children who look different. It’s for all of us. Because we all have a role to play in teaching kindness and respect. It’s about preparing children before they meet someone with a visible difference — so they respond with warmth instead of wonder, with smiles instead of stares.
To accompany this message, we’re highlighting Wonder by R.J. Palacio as our Book of the Month. It’s a moving and accessible story of a boy who looks different, and how he finds courage, friendship, and acceptance. It’s ideal for children aged 9+, and a great way to start those bigger conversations — at home, at school, or anywhere where kindness matters.
If you have a younger child, We’re All Wonders — a picture book version by the same author — might be a lovely starting point. It uses simple text and illustrations to introduce the same message in a way that younger children can relate to and understand.
Why We Need to Talk About Differences
Children are naturally curious. That’s a beautiful thing — curiosity helps them learn and grow. But when it comes to visible differences, curiosity without guidance can easily lead to hurtful behaviour, even if it’s unintentional. Pointing, staring, or asking loud questions in public can leave another child feeling exposed and ashamed.
The truth is, these moments aren’t about bad children or bad parenting — they’re simply missed opportunities. Opportunities to prepare children ahead of time by showing them that people come in all shapes, sizes, colours, and abilities. That no one deserves to be singled out or made to feel inferior.
It doesn’t have to be a difficult conversation. It can start with a story, a picture, a moment at the park. And most of all, it starts with us.
Book of the Month (Ages 8–12): Wonder by R.J. Palacio
To help open up these conversations, our Book of the Month for older children is Wonder by R.J. Palacio — a heartwarming and important story that’s touched readers around the world.
Wonder tells the story of August Pullman, a boy born with a facial difference who enters mainstream school for the first time in Year 5. Through Auggie’s voice — and those of his classmates, his sister, and others — we see how kindness, cruelty, courage, and empathy play out in the everyday world of school and friendships.
This book is not just about differences — it’s about humanity. It encourages children to look beyond appearances and to see each person as a whole story, not just a face. It’s a powerful reminder that we can all choose to be kind.
A Gentle Challenge to Parents
If you haven’t already, start this conversation with your children. You don’t need all the right words — just a willingness to talk, to answer their questions, and to guide them gently.
You might look at photos together of people with visible differences. You might talk about disabilities, wheelchairs, hearing aids, or prosthetic limbs. You could even role-play what to say — or what not to say — when you meet someone who looks or acts differently.
Because when we teach our children early to lead with kindness, to look for the heart rather than the face, we help shape a world that feels safe and welcoming for all children.
And that, surely, is the kind of world we all want.
If you’re looking for more age-appropriate ways to start conversations about kindness, inclusion, and visible differences with younger children, take a look at our Book of the Month – April 2025 selections. We’ve chosen thoughtful, engaging stories for different age groups that can help open hearts and minds. Explore the Book of the Month here.