When a 3-Year-Old Acts Aggressively at Daycare: What’s Really Going On?
Why I wrote this post:
- To help parents understand why a child might hit or lash out in group settings
- To offer gentle, practical strategies rooted in emotional development
- To reassure parents that aggression at this age is a phase, not a personality
- To highlight the power of positive labels, routines, and connection
What you’ll learn in this post:
- Why young children act aggressively, especially in group settings
- How to respond calmly when your child lashes out
- Why labelling behaviour (not the child) makes a difference
- What routines, quality time, and emotional coaching can do to reduce outbursts
What I took away from writing this post:
- Three-year-olds don’t mean to do harm — they’re just overwhelmed
- Positive framing is powerful — children often become who we say they are
- Clear routines and warm connection reduce anxiety-driven behaviour
- Parents can gently guide change without shame or punishment
Let’s Explore What Might Be Going On
Is your toddler lashing out at daycare – hitting other children or even teachers – but behaving differently at home? It can be deeply upsetting when a child is labelled as “aggressive,” especially if they’re on the verge of being expelled from daycare. But at age three, children don’t mean to do harm. Their behaviour is a form of communication – and it’s up to us to decode it.
Why Young Children Lash Out
At this age, children are still learning to manage their emotions. They’re impulsive, easily overwhelmed, and often lack the language to express what’s going on inside. Sometimes, they act out because:
- They feel unsafe or overstimulated in certain environments
- They’re not sure how to join in or make friends
- They don’t know how else to get attention
- They’re mimicking behaviour they’ve seen at home or elsewhere
Aggressive behaviour doesn’t mean your child is destined for a life of trouble. It’s a call for help – and an opportunity to gently guide them.
Strategies That Can Help
1. Label Them Positively
Children tend to grow into the labels we give them. If we label a child as naughty or bad, they may begin to live up to that expectation.. Instead, frame them as kind, funny, smart, or friendly. Say things like,
“Everyone loves being around you!”
“Your friends at daycare are lucky to have you!”
One powerful example: Before a new child joined a preschool, the teacher would say,
“Susie is so excited to meet you – she’s heard you’re smart and kind!”
That one positive label changed the entire dynamic.
2. Acknowledge Emotions Without Excusing Behaviour
When your child lashes out, stay calm. Ask, “What made you upset?” Then say something like,
“It’s OK to be angry, but it’s not OK to hit. We use words when we’re upset.”
Make it clear that while feelings are valid, hurting others isn’t.
3. Be Consistent and Gentle with Discipline
Do not spank your child! It sends a confusing message – you are saying that hitting is not aloud, but you do it – surely that’s got to be confusing! Instead, try time-outs or take away a favourite privilege for a short period. The goal is to help your child link their actions to consequences, not to shame them.
4. Catch Them Being Good
Make a point of noticing and praising kind behaviour:
“I love how gently you’re playing with the dog!”
“That was such a nice thing to say to your friend.”
Positive reinforcement often works better than constant correction. Focus on what your child is doing right and give genuine praise as soon as you notice it. There is a true saying “What gets rewarded gets repeated.” And it doesn’t have to be a big reward. A quick acknowledgement that you have noticed the kind behaviour will be enough.
Set a Predictable Routine
Kids feel more secure when they know what’s coming next. Keep mealtimes, bedtimes, and transitions consistent. A regular routine helps reduce anxiety, which in turn helps reduce outbursts.
6. Limit Screen Time
Overstimulation from screens can sometimes lead to poor behaviour. Try reducing screen time for a couple of weeks and observe any changes.
7. Increase Quality Time
Spend one-on-one time doing simple activities: puzzles, reading, colouring, or play dough. When children feel connected at home, they’re less likely to seek attention in disruptive ways elsewhere.
8. Model the Behaviour You Want to See
Children mimic the adults around them. Show calmness, empathy, and emotional regulation, even when things get difficult. Your example teaches them how to handle big feelings.
The Bottom Line
A child’s aggressive behaviour at age three isn’t a sign of bad character – it’s a sign they need help managing big emotions. With love, consistency, and positive guidance, your child can learn to express themselves without hurting others. Focus on connection, routines, and modelling healthy responses – and give them the positive identity they deserve.
💡 My Suggestion
Take a moment today to notice something kind your child did — no matter how small. Then tell them.
These moments of connection build the trust and confidence children need to thrive.
📘 Suggested Resource:
How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen – A practical, down-to-earth guide for navigating toddler emotions and encouraging better behaviour through empathy and calm communication. (Amazon link coming soon.)